


Survivor's Guilt

by pedanticsoothsayer



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drinking, Friendship, Gen, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Spacer (Mass Effect), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:02:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8188885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pedanticsoothsayer/pseuds/pedanticsoothsayer
Summary: Shepard and Ashley have more in common than they would ever admit while sober.





	

“Heads up, Williams.”

 

Ashley looked up from the rifle she was cleaning with just enough time to save the glass Shepard tossed her from shattering on the workbench. She put it down safely and gave the Commander a tight-lipped frown. Shepard was leaning against the row of lockers, holding up a matching glass.

 

“Ma’am, how long were you standing there?” Ashley’s voice was riding the line between surprise and irritation.

“A few minutes. Didn’t want to interrupt,” Shepard admitted. “But I had these in my cabin and figured they’d be better than drinking straight from the bottle.”

Ashley’s face softened. “Sounds classy. I’ll finish up, then.”

Shepard waved her free hand, indicating for her to take her time.

 

After locking up and cleaning her station, Ashley rummaged through her personal locker before procuring a mostly-full bottle of whiskey.

Shepard laughed when Ashley set it on the table. “When you mentioned having a drink, I figured it’d be champagne or wine.”

“I’m not sure how your family celebrates Armistice Day, but we Williams drink to forget.”

“That sounds like a challenge.”

“You’re so on, ma’am.”

They both hopped up onto the workbench, sitting with a great view of the otherwise empty cargo bay.

Taking the bottle, Shepard filled the glasses just under half full. She passed one to Ashley. “So, are we toasting tonight or is this just an excuse to get drunk?”

“Why not both?”

With a raised glass, Shepard cleared her throat. “To making hard decisions, doing what you have to in the worst circumstances.”

“To doing what you have to,” Ashley echoed. It was appropriate for the occasion, but she hoped any relevance would soon be drowned in alcohol and temporarily forgotten.

 

They knocked their glasses together somberly.

Shepard grimaced after taking a sip and said, “Was that okay?”

“Works for me, ma’am. Poignant, reverent, and I’m sure Grandad would approve,” Ashley said after downing the entire glass.

Shepard watched her, torn between concern and fascination. “We’re off duty, Williams. No need to be so formal.”

“Just a habit.” She held out the empty glass expectantly.

“It’s not the only one, apparently.”

“Hey, I know my limits,” Ashley insisted.

After hesitating, Shepard poured another glass for her. “Whatever you say.”

 

Despite her apparent disapproval and the fact that Ashley was prepared to drink her under the table, Shepard kept up with her glass for glass. The usually stoic commander was cracking jokes and offering up more of herself than Ashley had seen before. She was feeling pretty good herself, almost downright comfortable. The whiskey did its job well. As they kept going, she could feel the vortex of stress and urgency that had been hanging over their heads for weeks evaporate.

 

Fitting in on a new assignment was hard enough without the looming threat of the extinction of life in the galaxy as they knew it. And knowing that you were a replacement. It was the posting Ashley had been dreaming about for years. Shepard had done her best to make Ashley feel welcome, but she couldn’t just forget the series of events that led to it. She’d had to lose her entire unit, while Shepard had to lose one of her own. The fact that the only thing she’d done to end up there was survive made her feel sick.

 

Ashley looked down at her third glass. She knew she was pacing herself terribly. She also didn’t really care.

 

To Ashley’s surprise, Shepard was handling herself well. She was uncharacteristically talkative while buzzed and much more relaxed. In a way, she seemed more human. In the field, she commanded respect and reservation in the same way she commanded everything else: pretty damn well. Any hint of loneliness she usually carried with her, from the responsibility she bore, was gone. Her dark eyes were lively. Moments like these served as a reminder that not only was she a great officer, she was a great person.

 

It was an honor to stand beside the legend, but it was a privilege to get to know the woman. Ashley had served under all sorts of officers. Shepard was unlike any of them. She supported her men, to the point of being invested in the well-being of each and every person under her command. Part of her expected that Shepard would have forgotten her earlier offer to spend time together, though she should have known better. Even though she knew Shepard probably did the same with everyone, it made her feel special to have someone who cared enough to get to know her.

 

Before the conversation dried up, Ashley spoke. “So I have to admit something.”

“Hold on. Things aren’t that informal,” Shepard warned her.

Ashley snorted into her glass. “Bite me, ma’am.”

A little red in the face, Shepard laughed along with her.

“What I was going to say is I think I’ve served with your mother before.”

Shepard’s expression immediately soured. “And how would you even know we were related?”

“Well, you have the same last name,” Ashley pointed out.

“Right, so I should just assume that every soldier I meet named Williams is a coward.”

Ashley made a face. “Point taken.”

 

“But she is your mother,” Ashley continued. “I didn’t mean to bring it up if it’s touchy. Do you not get along or something?”

“It’s complicated.”

“You’ve got at least as long as this bottle lasts, so shoot.”

“Wait, so I’m just your excuse to not drink alone now?”

“I’m trying to make conversation, ma’am. You’re the one avoiding the question.”

Shepard sighed. “We get along okay. I just spent a long time trying to have my own career, not wanting to be treated different just because of who I’m related to.”

“I know that feeling. For what it’s worth, Shepard, I think you’re pretty badass.”

Instead of saying anything, Shepard grinned to herself like an idiot.

With a shaky hand, Ashley poured the next glass. “This time, a toast to us.” She raised her glass above her head. “We’re capable, gorgeous, and amazing.”

 

The clinked their glasses together again, laughing when they almost missed.

 

\---

“So no kidding, Jemison runs back to camp, with his pants around his ankles. I’m on my feet, ready to give orders before I realize he’s shouting about jumping spiders in the latrine.” Ashley laughed mostly to herself, cradling the now empty bottle in one hand. Shepard watched as she went to speak again, throwing her arms up in a dramatic gesture. Somewhere between thinking of what to say next and forming the words, Ashley stopped. She lowered her arms again and hugged the bottle, suddenly very distant as if all of the cheer had been sucked out of the room.

 

“It doesn’t go away, does it?” Ashley said slowly after a few moments of silence.

Shepard looked up from the empty glass she was holding. “Hmm?”

“Like, that feeling. Remembering how helpless you felt, that you couldn’t do anything. But you revisit it again and again, trying to figure out something you could’ve done different to save someone, anyone.” Once the words came out, Ashley’s face paled. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, you don’t have to talk about it. Stupid, stupid.”

 

Even though her head was fuzzy and she was pleasantly drunk, Shepard froze. She hadn’t wanted to bring it up with Ashley until she was ready, but now that she had, Shepard felt uneasy. For years, people had tip-toed around what she’d been through on Akuze. They treated her with the patronizing combination of delicacy and politeness. They would focus on how strong and brave she was, then change the topic at the first chance, their curiosities left as unsated as her pain.

 

Now, here was someone going through that same pain. Shepard’s old wounds ached under the weight of never having healed properly in the first place. It hurt, but it must have been dull to what Ashley felt.

 

“No, it’s fine.”

 

Shepard chose her words carefully. “It doesn’t get any easier.” Something felt like it was bubbling inside of her and she knew it wasn’t the alcohol. “You’ll wake up in a cold sweat some days, wondering ‘Why me? Why was it me and not them?’”

“That’s... reassuring.”

“It’s the truth. You’re here and they’re not. No matter how much you feel like punishing yourself, nothing changes that.”

Ashley looked down at her feet. “I feel like I let them down. And I got rewarded for it. Meeting you, getting this posting - it wouldn’t have happened if they were still alive.”

“You deserve to be here, Ash.” Shepard put a reassuring hand on her back, knowing it wasn’t nearly enough. “I know that it hurts, but you can’t let it determine your actions. Beat yourself up on your own time, not out in the field.”

“Of course.”

Shepard scoffed. “I’ve seen the risks you take, the danger you put yourself in when you don’t need to. You’re no good to them or this team dead, no matter what you’re telling yourself.”

 

“Respectfully, that’s bullshit, ma’am.” Ashley said. “I saw how you pushed Alenko out of the way on Eden Prime and how you threw yourself between the quarian and those assassins. You’re always jumping in the middle of dangerous situations.”

Shepard grumbled to herself.

“You either have a hero complex or a death wish - or both.”

“It’s different, Shepard protested, but immediately grew silent.

 

It wasn’t different and they both knew it.

 

“Listen, I trust you with my life and I need to know that you’re not going to throw yours out needlessly.”

“Ash-”

“Shepard, promise me that.”

With a sigh, Shepard turned to face her. “No unnecessary heroics, from either of us.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Ashley looked down at the empty bottle again and sighed. “Might have to settle for a handshake.”

With a weak smile on her face, Shepard shook Ashley’s hand, then pulled her into a hug. “You’re an amazing soldier, Williams, and an amazing person.

“I know, ma’am.”

 

Yawning, Ashley hopped down from the bench. “Time to sleep this off. It’s gonna be a hell of a morning.” She paused and turned around. “And thanks, Shepard. For everything.”

 


End file.
